Painful Memories
by Lady.Of.Silver
Summary: On the anniversary of Ari's Death, painful memories come back to haunt Ziva. A definate TIVA fic.


_First off, I do not own NCIS... I am just kidnapping the characters for my story. Without further ado, read on:D _

**Painful Memories **

It was an unusually slow day at NCIS. The day had been designated for paperwork that they had had no previous time to fill out. Each group of Gibb's team sat in quiet as they worked steadily through the massive pile. The work was numbing. It wasn't physical active work that Ziva thrived it was the mundane typing that got to her. Finishing off a sheet she printed it off signing her name and glanced over at the date. Her pen dropped. It had just past midnight and the date rose horrible memories in her mind. She tried to school her features because she knew her highly observant co-workers would have noticed her frozen status. She tried to move and couldn't. The image of Ari, her beloved half brother, had sunken into her mind and she just could not move.

"Ziva you ok?" Tony watched her from his desk, a curious expression on his face.

Ziva nodded haltingly, "Yes… fine."

Ignoring the eyes that bore into her disbelievingly, the Mossad agent slowly bent down to pick up her fallen pen. Her fingers reached slowly out toward the ballpoint and quickly retracted them as she felt the cool pen underneath them.

It was cool, like the trigger to her gun that killed him. Her fingers had reacted the same way...

A small intake of breath, and Ziva dropped her pen on the floor again.

_No. I am being silly. Grow up Ziva. I have killed many times before; I should not let this affect me._

She shook her head slightly and reached for the pen. She attempted to grab it quickly but her hands had started shaking and her aim was off.

"Ziva you are not alright." McGee gazed at her kindly.

"I said I am fine." She snapped harshly at him, Tim jerked slightly back at the roughness in her voice.

Ziva shook her head, that had been too cruel, "I am…sorry…"

Her partner and McGee shared a look when she turned back to her computer screen, leaving the pen on the floor. Ziva slowly started typing again. It was an arduous process, her hands were still shaking so every few words she would have to backspace and correct. After a few minutes she slammed her fists down on the keyboard. The keyboard creaked ominously and she slammed into it again. She growled.

"You are sure you are not sick?' Tony asked softly, "I mean you can go home."

Ziva spun round and stared daggers at him.

"Ziva you... err… you are shaking." He commented gently, preparing to get up and go to her, McGee was doing the same thing.

Ziva cursed, her entire body was now quaking. She ignored them and turned back to the screen, the back of her eyes pickled. Her mind kept flicking with images from the night.

He was lying so still. The boy she had considered her full brother, the boy who had swung her around in his arms when she had fallen when she was four… the man she had never knew… was lying dead on the floor. Blood… red blood.

"Ziva with me." Gibbs strode into to the room.

Unlike usual he did not march past her desk. He waited silently for her to get up and walk beside him. Ziva pushed her arms beneath the chair and tried to push herself up. Her arms buckled beneath her and she flopped back into the chair. She frowned and focussed her eyes on the floor as Gibbs came over and helped her up. His grip was firm on her arm and he led her swiftly to the elevator. Ziva kept staring at the floor, while her world rapidly became unclear.

Tony and McGee both watched with a mix of confusion and concern as the elevator closed. They caught a glimpse of Ziva swaying before the metal door hid them.

After a second, Gibbs pressed the emergency stop button and turned around to Ziva and opened his arms. She allowed herself to be hugged as the tears she thought she would never shed again came rushing down her frozen cheeks. A soft wail of pain echoed through the elevator and Ziva's arms clung onto Gibbs as her legs gave out. Her body shuddered as the raw emotions she had been taught to hide came rushing out.

And Ziva cried. She cried for Ari, like she couldn't have cried that night. She cried for the boy that had been led astray. She cried for the harsh words of their father and finally she cried for the horrible ache inside of her which would never forgive her. She had killed him. For the people he had killed and was going to kill, she had killed him and save them but it didn't make it any easier.

* * *

Tony watched the elevator uneasily; Gibbs and Ziva had been gone a long time. She was his partner; he was supposed to know everything about her. And yet he knew he didn't. She had always been a mystery he loved solving but when he saw her show weakness, any type of weakness it worried him. It meant that she wasn't coping. But not coping with what?

* * *

Her tears began to subside and reality came back into focus. Her grip softened and she stood up by herself. Gibbs watched her with understanding eyes.

"Better?"

Ziva gave him a small smile as she wiped the tears from her face, "No but getting there. I should get back to work."

Gibbs frowned at her and pushed the button giving the elevator life again. After a quiet ride of silence it arrived at the training level. Gibbs turned to her.

"This is you get off."

Ziva shook her head, "No I have work."

Gibbs stared at her, as if he was reading her thoughts, "Not now. Either you go home now or stay down here and recover her for an hour then go back to work."

Ziva nodded wearily and stepped out of the elevator and headed towards the gym. Gibbs watched the doors begin to slide shut.

"Thank you." Ziva whispered her back to him. Gibbs nodded as the door finally shut and the elevator went up.

* * *

Tony kept staring at the elevator, waiting for the little ping as it opened. He was worried; it had now been over fifteen minutes with no sign of his partner or his boss. He had no clue what had caused Ziva to, in want of a better word, melt. Tony knew sometimes she saw herself as super human and expected to be emotionally unharmed at all times but it look like something had just caught up with her.

The Elevator pinged.

Tony stood up and watched as a lone Gibbs entered the room, he jogged over to his striding boss.

"Is Ziva alright, boss?" He asked anxiously, Gibbs face remained passive as he strode past him.

"What do you think Tony?" Gibbs replied sarcastically then stopped and donned a serious expression, "She has had it rough, give her some time"

Tony nodded, still not fully understanding what had happened but knowing she would be alright.

Gibbs marched around the corner and suddenly stuck his head back, "And if she comes back to work in less then an hour, TELL ME so I can boot her ass."

Leaving a confused Tony, Gibbs left satisfied.

* * *

Ziva found the bars used for head-ups and gracefully swung herself up to sit on them. From her position she could survey the entire deserted training room, but she wasn't going to. Her heart still stung of betrayal, a year after the event. She knew she would always remember this date. The day her brother died.

No.

She shook herself. Her brother died along time before she had shot him. Ari her nice brother had been killed by Ari the terrorist, the killer. She knew once she had been tempted to walk down his path, tempted by Ari himself. But she had refused and had thought, so had he. However it was always in the back of her mind that she knew he hadn't, she had just ignored it. He had killed a member of NCIS's team, ironically his decision to kill that woman had latter on giving her the opportunity that had made life the happiest she had ever experienced. That was the dark corner of her mind speaking, the one that had been trained to kill or be killed, to take advantage and to feel no pain of death.

Had she changed from that person? Or was she still as cold and manipulative as that.

She knew that if she wanted to she could manipulate everyone at NCIS to give her exactly what she wanted, by playing on their flaws. In fact she had arrived though manipulating the director, if only at the bare minimum.

A cold tear traced down her cheek. She really wasn't a good person. How many had she killed because they had aggravated or insulted her? Or even that one boy who had rejected her advances during a stressful mission, no… that death was an accident. Ziva shook her head, it was an accident. Technically her partner had shot him when she had been endangered and her partner thought he was the threat. He hadn't been. He had just been married.

She slumped on the bar, the sadness and exhaustion mixed together causing a near fall. Ziva suddenly flipped upside down her hands gripped tightly and pushed her off the bar and somersaulted to land on her feet neatly.

It had been an accident. Not like Ari's death.

She fell to her knees and began punching the soft mat beneath her. That had been her.

* * *

He couldn't concentrate. The absent seat of Ziva had irked him to a new level of distraction. Tony just had to find and try to help his partner. Getting up he briskly jogged to the elevator.

"Tony?" McGee startled voice woke his thought as the door opened.

"Be back soon Probie!" Tony jogged through the door and pressed the close door button.

As the door closed he realised he had no clue what level she was on. Shrugging he pressed every single level. He would find her... he just didn't know when.

* * *

Deciding that the punch bag would be much better than the mat, Ziva unleashed all her insecurities onto the bag. Kick after kick, punch after punch, the bag never stopped moving. With every punch or kick she felt slightly better but the strange emptiness never left. It felt exactly how it had when she had pulled the trigger…

BAM!

Her high kick had sent the 80kg punch bag dangerously high into the sky, Ziva watched with impassive eyes as it slowed and began to descend rapidly. Falling and flattening herself to the ground, Ziva felt the end of the bag graze her back lightly. Pushing her self up again, she jumped and kicked the bag, imagining all of her mistakes buried inside. She kicked a little too hard as the bag swung around and painfully hit her in the back before she had landed. Her rage had unfocused her.

Hitting the ground painfully, she slammed her palms onto the ground and launched herself upright again, ignoring the aching bruise blooming across her lower back.

"Don't you think you should give yourself a break?"

Ziva's eyes darted across the room for a second before re-focussing on the punch bag.

"I have," Ziva punched the bag and darted to the right to avoid the swing, "had worse Tony."

"Doesn't mean you can't give yourself a break Zee-vah." Tony watched her moves carefully.

"Doesn't mean I have to either." She hissed between gritted teeth as she kicked the punch bag.

Tony walked up to the punch bag and caught it before Ziva could hit it again.

"Ziva continuing to do this doesn't solve anything" He said, his hazel eyes reading her mind.

Ziva remained silent.

"We aren't really talking about this are we?" She asked her eyes now boring into his.

"No we aren't." Tony replied quietly.

Ziva held her hands out to the side, "What do you want me to say Tony?"

She lightly but still firmly kicked the bag Tony was holding. He barely blinked as it nudged him backwards, ignoring the actual force.

"Do you want me to say I am weak? That I am not fit to be a Mossad or NCIS agent? Yes?" She glared at him and punched the bag.

Before she could retract her hand, Tony grasped her wrist, "I want you to admit you're human. That no matter what happened; it is alright to cry about it." He said softly.

Tony dropped the bag, letting it fall to its still position. Ziva pulled herself close Tony her eyes narrowed but he noticed that they were slowly getting glassy.

"I was not trained to be human." She whispered harshly her face intimidating close.

Out off all their arguments, Tony knew this was one he could not lose.

"But you are human." Tony's voice was laced with care and his eyes softened, "And I do care for you."

Her eyes were had filled with silent tears, as she stared at him, expected him to say "Joke!" or something of that to confirm it was not real. He didn't.

Blood flashed before her eyes.

"No. You shouldn't…" Ziva pulled her wrist away and began walking away.

She did care for him; gosh she cared for him more than he could probably know. But she couldn't admit it. Her training had forbidden emotional attachment to those you work with, besides she was dangerous to those she knew. Nearly every one of her partners she had become involved in had died. Besides she had taken so many lives she didn't think she was worth being happy. If she didn't care for life, she wouldn't fear death, the perfect agent.

Tony had caught up with her and blocked her path.

"Why Super spy?" His joke did not lighten the situation.

"Do you know how dangerous I am? Do you know how many I have killed? Do you know how many have been killed for or because of me?" She hissed, cringing inwardly at the harshness of what she said, "Do you… do you even know… who… I killed?"

Her voice shuddered as she uttered the last the question. She was trying to be threatening, but it was failing as the shivers took over her again.

Wordlessly, Tony opened his arms and hugged her tightly.

"I don't care Ziva. I still do care for you, nothing will ever stop that." He gently kissed her forehead.

"Thankyou" She whispered, so quiet he wasn't quiet sure if he heard it, but it still lit a smile on his face.

She wrapped her arms around him. Not wanting the moment to a stop. Her eyes were leaking slow tears, no where near the intensity as in the elevator but somehow more satisfying. Tony held her tightly, he wanted to protect her, if not forever, just from everything he could in the time she allowed him to.

Every breath she took, she could smell his scent of cologne mingled in with aftershave, and it was so Tony. It was rare that anyone held her anymore, now he was it felt so right and she felt so safe from the torrid emotions that had torn into her when she had first arrived in the training room. This was so comforting. Unwillingly her eyelids began to droop.

Silently, Tony guided them over to the stands. When he heard Ziva's breaths become deeper again he kissed her hair gently.

"You do not know how much I care for you Zee-vah." He whispered softly, smiling as she curled into him.

* * *

Two hours had past and Ziva hadn't returned and Tony was missing. Gibbs decided he should probably check up on her. Exiting the lift at the training level he walked silently to the training room. Before he got there is gut told him to be quiet, so he carefully looked into the room.

He received a welcome surprise.

In the stand, Ziva and Tony both were fast asleep. The troubled agent's face was tranquil as Tony held her, still tightly in his sleep. Her head rested on his chest and she seemed so fragile that Gibbs could understand the tight way Tony held her. Tony, even in his sleep, looked inexpressibly pleased with how everything turned out.

Gibbs headed back to the elevator, a smile on his lips.

* * *

_Hope you Enjoyed this as much as I have! Go on... click that little blue box to review... I know, Ziva and Tony knows that you want to. _

_Sincerely,   
_

_ Lady.Of.Silver_


End file.
